Maybe it’s time to STFU

One of the adjustments we are still learning to make as a society is being ever present online. Existing in the virtual space means visibility at all times, which comes with a compulsion to have hard and fast opinions on everything, almost at an instant. I find that many of us are prone to following our “gut feelings“ and seeking evidence as confirmation bias so we can deny culpability if our initial opinions end up being objectively off-base. And instead of genuinely acknowledging this disparity, we tend to double down and challenge the legitimacy of objectivity as a whole because, God forbid, we are wrong and pseudo-publicly embarrassed.

I’m certainly not pointing out anything new with stating this pattern of behavior, but I think all too often this is the line where the conversation stops. Most people I’ve observed when asked why this happens chalk it up to hubris. As if somehow this is a natural inclination of humans to be defiant and divisive. But I find that this is particularly unique to the digital age. Painting with broad strokes here, if it were human nature to act this way, we as a species probably wouldn’t have formed societies, especially complex ones like we have today. Instead, I see this as a symptom. The Internet, for better for worse, is nowhere in our genetic coding. It’s also been a recent development, in the sense that it’s inception and modern application has been developed within most of our lifetimes. I think what we’re viewing is actually quite antithetical to human nature. We’ve essentially all born witness to a new stage of life, and we were thrown the keys without clear instructions or a map.

Human nature, or at least one facet of it, is curious. It wants knowledge. The human brain loves learning and solving. The Internet essentially came along with the tagline

“Everything you ever wanted to know at an instant, in this box!”

And do you know what else our brains love?

Instant gratification.

No, not love.

We are addicted to it.

We’re addicted to the dopamine hit of “solving the puzzle” more than we care about whether or not the pieces actually lineup.

In the days before Google, you had to read, study, and get an education to know things. You had to work hard for it. (there’s actually a great Facebook post, of all things, on “the death of expertise“ here that I highly recommend). Now? We just ask the brick in our pocket like a Magic Eight Ball. Which would be fine, except for an all-but-crucial feature called The Algorithm, which makes our phones just as reliable as that plastic, goo-filled ball you bought at a yard sale in 2007.

Do you know how you’d ask that one-dollar toy if your third grade crush was in love with you and it said he was? And if you were going to get married and it said “someday”? And your heart grew wings and flew Icarus-style into the burning sun of fourth grade when he started going out with the prettiest girl in class? And now you don’t even remember his name, do you?

Yeah, that Facebook post you shared five years ago about Mark Zuckerberg “banning the Pledge of Allegiance” that you believed? It’s the same vibe.

Except the latter is more insidious.

Let’s go back to the Magic Eight Ball, and follow me on this journey.

Third grade. Crush. Confirmed. Soulmates. Boom. It’s you and Max forever.

You’re so excited. You tell all your friends. Then you get a Limited Too magazine in the mail. It’s addressed just to you. It says,

“Hey [your name]!

It’s you and Max forever, right?

Check this out!”

It’s pages of shirts, hats, keychains, stickers.

“I <3 Max”

“Mrs. Max”

“Me + Max 4evr”

See? It’s obviously real! Even Limited Too knows!

Fourth grade comes. Max gets a girlfriend. Bummer. You bought all this stuff, and you start to think,

“Okay maybe I was wrong“

Until…

You go to the bookstore with your mom. First thing you see? A table display reading

“Books for when your one true love doesn’t realize you’re the one yet!“

With titles such as:

“How to be Patient for The One”

“Trust His Timing”

and

“Being the Best You for Him”

“Okay there’s no way this is a coincidence! See Mom? I told you! It’s me and Max forever!”

And stuff like this continues to happen. For years. Not all the time, of course not. Just every now and again. Sixth grade, a TV show called “Me + Max“. Ninth grade, online “Are you in love?“ Quizzes that all end with “yes with Max!“. 12th grade, prom dress ads “for when that special someone asks“. You go to his college because, conveniently, they sent you a letter to apply and get early acceptance, “so you don’t miss out on what you were meant for“. Sophomore year of college, you start getting bridal brochures.

Has he ever taken you out on a date?

Nope.

But the signs are all around you.

Despite the objective truth.

How can that be?

Let’s say from the very first time you shook that Magic Eight Ball, there was a chip inside that told your question to a database that every single company in the world could see. It told the entire world you were in love with Max.

That Limited Too ad?

As soon as you flipped it open, it sent a signal to that same database. It worked. And you bought stuff? Even better.

That’s how the Internet algorithm works. It’s designed to show you what it thinks you want to see, regardless of truth or the impact it may have on your life. Just one click starts that whole chain reaction. And now you’ve spent your whole life, or at least a huge chunk of it, making all of these irreversible choices based on a series of lies that were overblown and confirmed time and time again.

Do you let it go or do you double down?

The obvious answer is to let it go, right? It feels like a crazed obsession at this point. It’s not right. You’re not going to be together. But your entire identity was formed around this. You’re in his inner circle. You are best friends with his friends. You’re a Celtics fan because he’s a Celtics fan. You’re an alum of your college because of him. You got the degree you got and followed the career you did because one day in seventh grade he said he wanted to marry someone who did what you do, so you made it your dream. You have the same favorite band, the same favorite restaurant, the same religion, the same politics. You have no identity without him. You can be without him, sure, but if you got rid of all of the pieces of him you’d have nothing left. You’d have to actually do the hard work starting from the ground up, which sounds like the right thing to do, in theory.

But take Max, and substitute him with a political opinion. Substitute him with religion. Now it’s not so easy, right?

We are inundated with biased information all the time. This is why I see this as a symptom of living in a digital age where our “facts“ are curated. I would love to see a version of society where we can relinquish the shame of admitting that we once viewed the world from a less informed place, and that it doesn’t make any of us a “bad person” (btw, I have a post coming up in the very near future as to my thoughts on “good people” vs “bad people”).

In closing:

Maybe you don’t have to have an opinion on everything. At least, maybe not right away. Maybe take a second, listen to the voices of people from all walks of life and not just your friends or your Facebook feed. Sometimes, shutting the f*ck up is the best thing we can do.

And final food for thought, this is one of the most effective ways I’ve found to check my bias. Ask yourself the question:

“What if I wake up tomorrow and find out everything I believe is wrong?”

Take a while to sit with that, and let me know what you think.